I have one week.
Then I’m on a ridiculously uncomfortable plane(trust me on this) for a ridiculously uncomfortable amount of time to a place where I have no comfort zone whatsoever. Do you see where I’m going with this?
I’m scared! Excited, but scared! This is the time when the ish hits the fan, when the other foot drops, when I finally start to feel those little butterflies in my stomach. By ‘butterflies’ I mean pterodactyls or anacondas or some other giant writhing animal that definitely should not be in my body.
I wish I could pinpoint why I’m so scared. I think its just the idea of change. If so, I’m actually pleased. Change I can deal with, change is something I just have to do and then it’ll be alright. But, lets say for a minute I have superpowers and I can suddenly see the future. What if the fear is the universe telling me ‘If you go you’ll die!!!’. Which, by the way, I know is ridiculous. I could die at any moment. It hasn’t stopped me yet.
If I knew I would die, I would still go. I don’t wanna die without ever seeing China.
Lets get back to the reality of ‘now’ for a minuet, if you please.
I have had, oh, maybe two months to see my friends, say goodbye, and pack. My father oh so wisely said we should plan for Feb 4th to be the last day of going out to buy or see anyone/anything. It is Feb 5th. Ha. Ha.
I haven’t even started packing. But I have an excuse!!
I do not have my big suitcase yet.
Ohohoho yes. I am in such shambles that I do not have my big suitcase AND I have two more going-away-party-things planned before I leave. My life is put together at all times.
But all this busy work, is distracting my fears, and lets me be awake at 2AM wondering about what friends I’ll meet, food I’ll consume, pictures I’ll take, etc…
‘One week away’ said out loud seems so friggin short. And it makes this whole thing constrict around my throat sometimes.
I’m gonna get a little deep, if I may.
I don’t keep my dangerous dance with suicide a secret. It was a huge wake up call. I was in high school and it got to the point where I had nothing better going on so, why not?
THIS is why not.
This right here.
I almost cut out this opportunity of going to CHINA, a place I have been studying for.
I was crying and felt sick and my muscles hurt and I kept thinking ‘There HAS to be a reason this hurts so much to fight, right?”
This is that reason! (Or, at least this is one of the reasons. I saw my nephew being born.)
So yes, I’m scared out of my mind and I will probably have a panic attack on the plane or at the airport or whatever, but by God I am getting on that plane. Because I fought hard this years before I knew about the trip. And I’m proud of myself in that way.
At least I hear there’s decent food on the plane.
“Don’t let fear of what could happen make nothing happen.”